Guess We’re Not Down with OPP. Cheating in an Open Marriage — Is This Even a Thing?
5 Ways to Not Have Your Open Relationship Implode
Treach of Naughty By Nature fame was recently interviewed on The Breakfast Club radio show about the true reason that his marriage ended with Pepa of legendary hip hop group, Salt-N-Pepa.
He wanted to counter the messaging in Pepa’s biography a few years ago and an upcoming Lifetime movie that he was abusive and that is why the marriage ended. Treach said there was no violence in their marriage, but there was definitely cheating.
He was adamant that he didn’t cheat. His interactions with other women during their marriage were fine because they had an open marriage. He claimed that Pepa was the cheater because she was seeing their lady friends on her own. He could be with as many women as he wanted and Pepa would join in, but when she decided to pursue these women on her own for one-on-one sessions — oops — we now have a problem.
Confused? Yeah, I know.
The Breakfast Club team didn’t know what to ask next. Their confused looks were priceless. How can you open up your bed, sex life and emotions to “another” and then get mad that there is “another” in your relationship? The Breakfast Club asked Treach this and he was clear that their agreement was to bed down another woman together. They did not have a spin-off clause where you could hook-up on your own. Treach felt Pepa’s relationships with women that didn’t involve him was cheating because it wasn’t part of their open marriage playbook.
If a marriage is open, can you call anything a cheat? This ish is CRAZY!
On the surface open marriages confuse many people because they don’t really understand what an “open marriage” really is. There is a belief that a couple just goes nuts and decides that we can just do whoever we want with absolutely no consequences or that an open marriage is just a quick fix for a marriage plagued with infidelity to save face. Not true. While couples are engaging others, there are often very clear reasons why this is what they want for their marriage and concrete rules around what can and cannot happen. “Open” doesn’t for many couples mean just anybody, at anytime and however many times you want. Guidelines and rules must be in place if you want the core relationship to survive.
What Treach was saying in the interview was that the agreement to be open was for he and Pepa to have threesomes involving another woman. All of the selection, arrangements and execution was to be done together. Once Pepa decided to pursue alone time with these same women, he saw it as a violation and a cheat because he was no longer involved and that was not the deal. Yes, if this was the understanding and Pepa did indeed hook-up with the third party alone, Pepa cheated.
Still not convinced. Thinking this is the work of the relationship devil. Consider this …
For those of you scratching your head and others saying “isn’t this what you get when you roll other people into the mix?” I get it. Open marriage isn’t something that fits most people’s definition of a marriage. However, I want you to be open to the fact that many of the people in your friend circle, in your family and even your job are having successful long-term unions because of being “open.”
People don’t talk about and very few couples will tell you the “real” reason their marriages are thriving, happy and hot after many years of being together. There are safe answers that couples like to share like God, our kids, interests, hobbies and then there are the “other” real answers like toys, solo vacations, swinging and open marriages. Marriage is different for every couple and the biggest gift you can give yourselves as you say your vows is to also give your marriage the permission to be whatever it needs to be to keep both of you happy, healthy and sane. Forever is a long time to unfulfilled.
For my marriage purists out there. Why would someone even want this?
What do you if your partner’s libido is much higher/lower than yours? What if your partner is a great dad/ mom/ friend and you don’t want to throw that away because of outside attractions? How about you need more love, lust, passion in your life and your spouse just can’t meet the need? As we get older our health and physical abilities can become a challenge, should you not have a sex life because I can’t? You want a marriage based in honesty and I want you to know what I want to do before I do it? I sense that you crave more than I can give. These are all real situations that can occur in a long-term relationship. Most just grin and bear it, have clandestine affairs or simply choose to walk away. What is there was a way to get these emotional and sexual needs met and still love and honor the person you want to be with forever? Open marriage allows a couple to experience new avenues of amour without secrets and with established rules to protect the home.
Open marriages can work, but there are five key things that keep them on track:
Know Why You Are Doing This
Have a cleansing conversation that gets to the heart of why you are choosing as a couple to do this? Talk about the things that can be hard and hurtful (desire, fantasies, frequency, connection etc.)and be open to learning something new about your spouse. Be clear about how an open marriage can improve things (more passion, more sex, maintain an honest connection, revive the marriage) and the ways it could possibly destroy things (jealousy, one partner not really interested, leaving for a new partner etc.). Enlist a relationship or sex therapist if you need to bounce it off of a third party. Weigh the pros and cons and make the best decision for you as a couple.
How Will We Pick the People?
Are we going with strangers only? Do we want to jump into our friend pool? Does she always get to pick or is it always his latest crush? Are there online groups or organizations that we can join to meet others? Are the match-ups simply going to be organic and happen when they happen? Think about who you will pick because this feeds into how close the person gets to you as a couple, safe sex and how equal this whole experience feels for both of you.
Is This a Two-Way Street?
This one is BIG! Sometimes the idea of an open marriage is really only brought up because it is the interest of one partner. I have actually known couples to step into this space only to keep one partner happy only to have that “open partner” devastated when the less interested partner eventually comes around and meets someone and starts their own love thing. Establish at the start if this is for the both of you. If this is one-sided or simply salve for a cheating spouse, it often will not work. Both people in the marriage must have an interest in and the freedom to be open.
How Often and How Will We Engage?
Most successful open marriages have rules around what the outside relationships look like and how frequent these interactions will occur. It may shock you that some open marriages really are about courting others and not necessarily all about having sex. Some couples favor threesomes and others want to simply have the freedom to have sexual relationships outside of the marriage. Will there always be the opposite sex involved or are same sex relations allowed? Are we locked into shared sexual experiences only? How often do we do this — whenever we want, only on vacation, only with the other partner’s permission, once a month? Yes, you have to be THIS detailed.
What is Sexually and Affectionately On/ Off the Table
Can you fall in love with another? Everything but intercourse? You have to have a very detailed conversation about who is doing what to whom. The type of sexual activity engaged in and just how much do you allow emotional connections to develop should be very clear. Many open marriages implode because someone stuck something somewhere that was not agreed to or he/she felt that they needed to send you an late night “WYD” text. Detail the type of sex and if this is a love thing early on.
